The Cave | The Mad Shitter
I shuffled into the cave and made my way through the smell of mold and exhaust to my dirt-encrusted seat. My green flannel was as faded and depressing as the white painted surroundings. Thick mounds of dirt collected in the rocky texture of the walls. Chips of stone cracked from the ceiling and bombed my workbench, sending fragments of rock plopping into my glass of water. I sighed, my only comfort being the hope of seeing one of those things crack someone on the head, preferably someone in management.
Read the rest of this entry »The Cave | The Phantom LED Sign
Every morning, Mr. Tom would come out from his office–which was really just a hole in the cave–carrying a slip of paper upon which was jotted the profound inspirational quote that would guide the rest of us through the day. There was a remote-control keypad that he kept locked in his desk that he used to enter the quote into a scrolling LED ticker. He wouldn’t even notice me, Lazar and Ashley standing around, awaiting with anticipation the words that would spill out of the red display like a booming voice from God. As soon as the message was entered, he’d scurry back to his hole and lock up the remote.
Read the rest of this entry »The Cave | The Hand of God
I sat at my bench, covered with a thin film of dust, much like my surroundings. I had been at work an hour or so and was bored. I was also somewhat concerned as Lazar had not arrived yet. Usually he was there long before me. I looked over at Judd, who seemed completely oblivious to his environment.. even to the John Mellencamp (or was it Bob Seger… I suppressed the music at the deepest levels of my consciousness long, long ago) blaring on his CD player. He was hunched forward staring intently at his computer monitor. As usual, his leg shook like that of a dog having just the right spot on his back scratched.
Read the rest of this entry »The Cave | The Elbow of Doom
After several months, Judd had started pulling in a sizable income from his link farms/adult single affiliate sites. I now envisioned his constantly-bouncing leg as a piston, pumping money from the internet into his banking account. His income from the cave was nothing more than a supplemental welfare check. The effects of these new-found riches were quite striking. The mullet had gained a fullness and luster that was quite majestic, as far as mullets go, and he had started to put on weight after having his rotten teeth pulled and replaced with dentures.
Read the rest of this entry »The Cave | Dogshit Porn
I decided I was going to have to hook Lazar up with a new porn tape if I was going to get some relative peace around there. The “Jerry Springer Uncensored” video was no longer doing it for him and I hadn’t seen the dentist video in ages. Lazar might get agitated without his fix. I think I was the only person in the cave who could actually discern agitation in Lazar. It was subtle.
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