The Cave | Dogshit Porn

I decided I was going to have to hook Lazar up with a new porn tape if I was going to get some relative peace around there.  The “Jerry Springer Uncensored” video was no longer doing it for him and I hadn’t seen the dentist video in ages.  Lazar might get agitated without his fix.  I think I was the only person in the cave who could actually discern agitation in Lazar.  It was subtle.

“‘ey Ghar-rhon!  Reagan strong!  Comuiss fuck!  Gorbachev…” then he would spit.

That was not agitation.

“‘ey Ghar-rhon!  What isss… ?” He pointed to the “Jerry Springer Uncensored” video playing on a large LCD screen.  There was a midget who was apparently having an affair with some well-endowed woman. “Fuck!  Brother… sister” He pumped his index finger into a hole he made with the fingers of his other hand to indicate sexual intercourse.  “Fuck!  Russia no!”

Translation: midgets were the result of inbreeding and there were no midgets in Russia.

That was not agitation.

Lazar had been having some health problems.  I considered the possibility he may have contracted ebola from Judd.  The first sign came during an interlude in the shitty CD Judd used to torment the cave.  I heard a low growl coming from Lazar’s direction.  It wasn’t the usual “Awwwwwwwggggggghhhhhhhh” growl he made while watching porn, it was more like a distressed grunt.

I looked over and saw Lazar holding a paper towel to his nose.  I wasn’t entirely surprised, the weather inside the cave encouraged all manner of spontaneous bodily protests.  I shrugged and continued working.

An hour or so later, I happened to glance over and noticed Lazar still having issues with his nose.  Blood was streaming out, he was bloodying one paper towel after another.  I stood up and approached cautiously, yelling over the infernal Judd CD, “‘ey Lazar!  What isss… ?”

“Fuck!”

I went and fetched Mr. Tom who consulted with Lazar in hushed tones before going off to retrieve the head human resources chick.  They both hovered over him, jabbering back and forth.

“By the time you two figure out what you’re doing he’s going to bleed to death!” I pointed out.

“There are workman’s compensation issues to consider, ” the HR chick replied.

She went somewhere and came back with a rubber glove, which she used to collect the bloody paper towels to throw them away.

I rolled my eyes, “If one of you doesn’t take him to the emergency room within five minutes, I’ll take him myself.” There was an implied, “you dumb bitch,” at the end of that sentence that could probably be inferred from my tone of voice.

Mr. Tom stuttered, “I-I-I-I-I’ll take him.  Just calm down.  Come on, Lazar.”

Lazar looked at me helplessly and I waved him on, “Mr. Tom fix.”

As soon as they got to the emergency room, Lazar’s nosebleed stopped.

* * *

It was some time later.  Perhaps Lazar had watched his dentist fetish video once too often.  I noticed him drinking an unusual amount of vodka.  A nip here and there throughout the day was normal, but now he was guzzling it.  Some time after lunch, I looked over and watched him chug the last of his vodka.  He rubbed his cheek and then shoved a pair of pliers into his mouth.

“No way…” I thought, watching in stunned silence.

He twisted the pliers around a bit and then pulled.  With a sudden jerk of his arm, the pliers came out, with a tooth.

“Ahhhhh!  Fuck!”  Lazar noticed me watching, “Huh!  Fuckinuh!”  He spat on the ground and threw the tooth in the garbage with utter disdain, “Dogshit!”

He produced a fresh pint of vodka and began to swallow eagerly.

* * *

Poor Lazar.  I wondered if he was going to make it through the year as I browsed a local sex shop for a truly bizarre piece of cinema.  A dentist fetish movie was hard to top.  I managed to find a DVD made in Europe.  The description on the back sounded weird enough:  A couple holed up out in the middle of nowhere with weird costumes and fetishes.  It was the best I could do.  I bought the DVD and dropped it on Lazar’s bench when he wasn’t around.

He didn’t say anything when he came back and found the movie.  He simply put the disk in a player and started it up.

“Ohhhhh!” He growled, “Nice!  ‘Ey Ghar-rhon!”

I looked as he motioned me over.  It was a chick going down on another one.

“Russia… women no like…!  Ahhhhhhh!”

“Bummer.”

Unfortunately, the video didn’t stop there.  The next scene had the women’s husbands going at it.  I turned in disgust.

“Hooooo!  Fuckinuh!  What issss…. ?”

Lazar ejected the DVD, spit on the floor and threw the movie in the dumpster, “Dogshit!”

“Ghar-rhon, where movie from?”

I shrugged innocently and pointed at Ashley, who remained completely unaware of the event.

Lazar frowned, shaking his head, “Big fuck!” he yelled, then continued in a stream of Russian.

That was agitation.

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