42. White Dwarf

Roughly five billion years ago, a swirling ball of gas and dust condensed into a brand new star. It was a stable star, in hydrostatic balance—the force of thermal pressure generated by nuclear reactions perfectly counteracting the enormous gravity trying to collapse it. Other swirling clouds around the star became planets, the third one out gradually turning blue and warm.

Myriad life forms came and went, ultimately giving rise to homo sapiens. We’ve thrived on this planet, warmed by the sun, for about two hundred thousand years. A tiny fragment of the sun’s life, but just as incomprehensible.

In another five billion years, the sun will swell into a red giant. If the Earth isn’t swallowed completely, its atmosphere and oceans will boil away leaving a barren rock. The sun itself will eventually eject its own atmosphere and become a white dwarf, slowly radiating the last of its heat until it is cold and desolate. Ultimately, the universe itself will be nothing more than a collection of super-massive black holes made of countless galaxies compressed into a one-dimensional point. These will slowly evaporate into a weak soup of useless particles over a period of time so vast that it is meaningless. Everything dies.

* * *

Contrary to my better judgment, Tracy and I ended up at Sam’s Bar and Grill again for Sky’s birthday celebration. We sat at one of three tables butted together for the large group of people who attended. I drank Dr. Pepper while Tracy alternated between mugs of beer and shots of whiskey. I sat silently watching the people around me descend into drunken stupor. I felt like my skin was being peeled off a layer at a time to expose raw nerves for everyone to grate on.

A couple of hours passed and everyone was drunk. Except me. A girl sitting across from me whose name I forgot as soon as we were introduced, eyed Tracy and me, smiling drunkenly.

“You two make a cute couple.”

Tracy turned her head in a sloppy arc to look at me. I smiled at her warmly.

“You suck. I hate you.”

I could feel my heart shrinking upon hearing those words. Within moments, it was a tiny core, slowly radiating agony.

“How can you say that to me?”

“Fuck you!”

Her voice was dripping with a hatred I hadn’t heard from anyone but Shafto.

“I think we better leave.”

“Fine.”

I held Tracy upright as we walked out to the car. I put her in the passenger seat then drove us in silence to her place, parking in the driveway. Tracy fumbled, looking for the door handle. I reached across her and opened the door.

“No, you can’t come in or hang out in my driveway.”

“Huh?”

“Fuck you!”

She fell out of the car, landing on the pavement, and I shut the door. The headlights were still on and, as Tracy went inside, she gave me the finger with both hands. Her hair was disheveled and her skirt torn with alcohol spilled all over it.

I drove home in the silence of the night, the small core in my chest still slowly radiating. The next morning, I was awakened by the phone.

“Hey, sweetie.”

The core in my chest flickered, “Hey.”

“How are you this morning?”

“Do you remember anything at all about last night?”

“No. What happened?”

“How convenient. I’m not going to repeat what you said to me. I can’t repeat it.”

“What happened? What’s wrong?”

“I give up Tracy. It’s over.”

“What?! No. Sweetie…”

“I’m sorry. You won’t stop drinking. I’m not going to take that shit from you, of all people. I opened myself completely to you and you just shit all over me.”

The core radiated.

“No, Darren. Can’t we talk about this?”

“No.”

“Can I see you?”

“No.”

I hung up the phone, a stream of despair steadily evaporating from my chest until it was cold and desolate. Everything dies.

Eventually, I found a new girlfriend. We lived together for a while in the city. One night we went to a Halloween party attended by several mutual friends. I wasn’t exactly in the mood to go out that night, but I did anyway.

We walked in the brisk autumn air down the path leading into the community center of an apartment complex. The sky was saturated with deep blue night and the trees were bare. The light of the stars seemed sharpened by the cold air. I opened the door for Jessica and walked in behind her. The first thing I saw was Tracy sitting against the wall. She was dressed as Bonnie, but there was no Clyde.

Tracy spotted me immediately and waved, smiling faintly. I couldn’t help but to smile back. She had cut her hair to shoulder length and it slightly flared out at the ends. She was as beautiful as ever. She walked up to me, glaring at Jessica, who was cute with blonde hair and blue eyes, but no match for Tracy and she knew it. Jessica turned away and Tracy fell against me, hugging me tightly and resting her cheek against my chest. I hugged her back, resting my cheek on her head, which was cradled in my hand.

I hadn’t realized how much I missed her until that moment. I suddenly felt like I had returned home after having been away countless years. That hug was as deep as the first one, the night we had gone to the Art Institute, but for different reasons—and this time it wouldn’t end with a kiss.

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